I Had a Dream We Went Away
by misswhiteblack
Summary: That was worth everything, especially his life.


_Written for the "I am about to die" competition on HPFC._

* * *

><p><strong>I had a dream we went away<strong>  
>left this city for a day<br>you took me southwards on a plane  
>&amp;&amp; showed me Spain or somewhere<br>_- Fill My Little World, The Feeling_

**.**

He has never found this so difficult before but it seems to becoming more and more so as the days, weeks, months pass by and he feels a little like he is drowning in a web of lies wrought with confusion even though he doesn't know what it feels like to drown. He wishes sometimes that he was a child again because as a child he could escape the ideas and the fear that is growing around him, as a child he was innocent. Not anymore, not now he has blood on his hands. He tries not to think about it but his sleep pattern seems to be getting disturbed more and more by wretched images of those who have fallen as his hands. The tears of those hurt and the faces of the men willing to die for their families haunt his dreams night after night until he really doesn't want to sleep again. Then again he really doesn't want to stay awake. It's just getting too hard to face his day to day life now and it's been getting worse even since he took the dreaded mark. It could have all been very different but he refuses to think of that and he tries to lock his heart away to dull the ache that life has left on him with its cruel jokes.

So he wanders the streets at night and tries to stay away from his family home because he just can't stand the pride on their faces and the requests to hear what he had done that day. It makes him feel sick that they revel in the idea of other people hurting and he knows what they would say if they could hear him thinking like this. "They're not people, Regulus. They're filthy scum." He doesn't really think that way and he's just been sucked into this pureblood mania because it's what his parents wanted for them and after the let down Sirius had become how could he refuse them? He should have stood with his brother and he knows that. It is too late now, far too late to turn back.

So in the dead of night he wanders the streets trying to escape the dreams and the images. He apparates all over the place so he never has to look at the same streets twice trying to drive the thoughts from his mind so that when he stood in front of the Dark Lord there was nothing in there for him to read. He felt cowardly. Surely he should be able to do these things and then face them like a man. He can't though and he just wants to get rid of them. They fill up every empty space in his brain filling his senses with the things he had done, what, according to his parents, he had achieved. He isn't Bella though. He can't enjoy the idea of human pain, of the pain of a father as he desperately fought them off with all the strength in his body trying to protect his wife and children. He can't bear the looks on muggle faces as they take their lives and they have no idea why or how. It's sick and twisted and he has allowed himself to become like them.

He doesn't quite know where he is but he's in an alleyway dressed in muggle attire so as not to attract attention and he slides down beside some dustbins shivering a little as the cold water seeps through his trousers. He feels a little crazed because he really doesn't know what to do and it's like he can't focus on anything. He puts his head in his hands and sighs wondering if he just sat here for long enough he would die from the cold and put an end to everything going on inside his head.

He knows however that there was no way he would be that lucky. If he were to sit here all night the only thing that would happen would be that he would get sick and his mother would scold him terribly. It would an easy cure though and he would be back doing the same things he had been doing for months now. It wouldn't get any easier and allowing himself to die was a coward's way out. In his heart he knows that was why he had thought of it. He is a coward.

A door opens somewhere nearby and he draws himself closer as he hears the patter of feet as they walked into the alleyway. Underneath his jacket he clutches at his wand wondering who on earth would be out at this hour. Whoever it is they are heading directly for where he is hiding and he tries to make himself as small as possible, tries to be invisible.

There is a scrape of metal as someone lifts the lid of one of the bins and then a clang as they throw something into the bin and he waits until they replace the lid. It doesn't happen however and the next thing he knows a tall, slim girl has stepped out in front of him holding the lid of the bin in her hand.

'Hello,' she says in surprise, 'what are you doing out here?'

He looks up at her but he can't make out her features in the dim light of the alleyway. He suspects that it meant she can't see him either. That means he could stun her and get away but the images in his head keep him from doing so. Attacking another helpless muggle isn't going to help him put his memories to rest but he doesn't respond.

'You look freezing,' she tells him. 'Why don't you come on in?'

He looks at her in shock as she moves away and he hears the lid being placed back on the bin. He sits forward a little to see her walking toward the house at the corner of the alleyway. For some reason he can't fathom he gets to his feet and follows her.

Maybe he is curious or maybe he is just too cold to sit in the street any more. Anyway, surely some company would help to drive the images out of his mind. He watches her disappear into the house and he follows her in, hesitantly. The house is very muggle, he thinks. The hallway is yellow with what looks like wood flooring. There are carpeted stairs and he can see the kitchen through the back. The girl has gone into the lounge which is to his right and, after he closes the door, he too moves into the room.

She turns towards him and he almost gasps for the likeness is undeniable in his mind. She is probably about the same height, tall for a girl, her hair is the exact shade and curls delicately from the ponytail she is wearing. The only thing he notices in that moment are her eyes, they are blue not the dark green he is accustomed and he is almost disappointed to find they weren't so.

'What's your name then?' she asks in a soft voice and he knows that the accent is completely wrong but it makes him feel a little crazy just looking at her.

'Regulus,' he tells her blinking and glancing away aware that he is staring.

'Odd name,' says the girl wrinkling up her nose a little. 'I'm Amy. Would you like a seat? Some tea?'

Regulus nods and she disappears into the kitchen as he settles down on one of the cream leather sofas. It has been a while since he has been in anywhere as bright as this house and he perches on the edge of the sofa unwilling to get it dirty. She had been kind to him so far and he doesn't want to ruin it by leaving stains on her suite. She returns after a couple of minutes with two steaming mugs in her hands. She hands his to him and he raises his eyebrow when he sees the words "sex kitten" written down the side of it.

'Oh sorry,' she says with a laugh as she sits on the couch opposite him. 'I'm afraid that my mugs are all a bit outrageous.'

'That's okay,' he tells her glancing at her mug to see that it says Best Mum. 'You have children?'

She laughs glancing at the mug and then back at him.

'No,' she responds. 'This was my mum's mug. She left it here.'

He nods a little and smiles at her because she is hard not to smile at and he is still slightly mesmerised by her resemblance to the girl he has long been trying to push out of his mind.

'So Regulus,' she says with a smile, 'what do you do?'

Regulus flounders for a moment. How did he answer that? "I'm a wizard that tortures other wizards and kills them for information and for fun I like to slaughter your kind." It is hardly polite conversation and would probably terrify her.

'I'm in security,' he answers thinking that it is stretching the truth to the limits. 'What about you?'

'I write music,' she tells him with a smile, 'and I suppose I play a little as well but not very well.'

'Play me something you have written,' he asks her curious about what kind of music muggles listen to. He has heard some rather odd things coming from passing cars as boys his own age drove past.

'No honestly that'll make your ears bleed,' she says blushing a little.

'I'm sure it won't,' he argues persuasively.

She needs very little persuasion from him and she leaps up and comes back with an instrument that he vaguely recognises as a guitar. It is nothing like a magical guitar but he forgets all about it when she starts playing. The tune is very relaxing and he can feel himself sink deeper into her couch as she plays. He focuses on keeping his eyes open. It wouldn't do for him to fall asleep on her couch.

Once she finishes playing they talk and Regulus is pleased to find that he can hold a decent conversation with a muggle even if he has to lie or stretch the truth to breaking points sometimes. He tells her about his dreadful home life leaving out the vital points like pureblood mania and she in turn tells him about her father who had died too young due to a drunk driver and how her mother had died due to liver failure from drinking. He feels comfortable with her and he likes to make her laugh because she seems to light up the room when she did so and it reminds him so much of that other girl whose name he can't even think.

**.**

At her invitation he returns time and again always staying later than is healthy for either of them but at her house he doesn't have to be afraid. There he is just Regulus and nobody else. He isn't a dark wizard, he isn't a wonderful son, he isn't an ignorant brother, he isn't a coward, he is just Regulus. Of course he finds it difficult when he had to return to his own world because he has to keep all thoughts of Amy from his mind but he finds if he concentrates hard enough he can pull up that other side of him. It felt like two people, the dark wizard Regulus and Amy's Regulus.

'Stay,' she says to him one night as he has been preparing to leave and he turns to look at her and she throws herself on him kissing him with a desire he hasn't felt for a while. He kisses her back with passion and they end up in bed together where he can only marvel more at the beauty of her before he sinks into unconscious lust.

Before he knows it he has fallen for her hook, line and sinker and it scares him a little. She is so perfect and so willing to be his and he is terrified of losing her. She understands when he explains that he never wants her to meet his family because they are just too messed up and he isn't a part of them anymore which is more or less true and she says that she doesn't mind because she doesn't have a family left anyway.

So they become each other's family and for a time Regulus lives in bliss and occasionally wishing that he was a muggle because then it would be perfect. He wouldn't know what was going on at all and he and Amy could be together with no fear. Life doesn't work that way though.

He spends his days lazing out in her back garden when the sun is out and she always wears a big, ridiculous looking sunhat that he hates but she loves it so he doesn't complain. She drives him to the beach and is amazed that he can't drive. They make love on the sand and it feels amazing to him to be so free. They don't eat out but prefer their own company eating at Amy's. She tries to teach him how to cook but decides to give up when he is disastrous at it. He listens to every new song she writes and applauds very loudly when she has finished every single time which makes her laugh hysterically. He lies beside her at night and watches her sleep sometimes when he can't and he loves the way she mutters in her sleep. When he wakes sometimes from a nightmare sweating and screaming she holds him tight and soothes him with calming words. They are meant for each other and he'd given everything for a life with her.

His other life is something else and every day the fear mounts. He is terrified a lot of the time and fights his hardest not to think about Amy whilst "at work". He can't stomach murdering any more innocent souls and tries to find some other way to be useful so he won't attract attention. The more time he spends in the Dark Lord's presence the more he becomes suspicious about what the Dark Lord was doing but he knows better than to pry. He just eagerly waits until he can return to Amy.

He can't help his natural curiosity and the Dark Lord's appearance seems to confirm his suspicions that he using a dark kind of magic that Regulus has only read about once in a book his cousin Bellatrix owns. He battles with himself feeling sick when his brother and his friends are threaten and even though he has Amy now every time _she_ is mentioned he just wants to curse everyone near him. His time with Amy has made him better, he is sure of it and he wants nothing more than to protect Amy, to protect his brother, to protect her.

Then the request comes and Regulus volunteers Kreacher for the job. He is due to be at Amy's that night but instead he waits at home for Kreacher to come back. He'd has an inkling in the back of his head the moment the Dark Lord had requested the use of an elf and the moment Kreacher gets back he confirms it.

Regulus knows what he has to do but it tears him apart. He doesn't want to leave Amy but she is in danger, as all muggles were, if he did not try to stop the Dark Lord. So he goes to her and spends one last night, sneaking away before she wakes the next day, taking a large locket from her jewellery box when he does.

When he returns home last that evening, having visited that beach where they spent the day, there is no one at home but Kreacher. He asks the elf to take him to the Dark Lord's hiding place. Before he leaves he writes Amy a letter trying to explain to her but not really knowing how. He gives it to his owl with strict instructions for the letter to go through the letter box before he leaves with Kreacher the locket clutched in one hand and another letter clutched in the other.

As the inferi pull him deeper into the icy water Regulus tries to picture Amy's face and it blurs sometimes into the face of that other girl, the one whose name he cannot say but mainly it is just Amy's face. He hopes that he hasn't caused her too much pain and that somewhere out there someone is waiting to take care of her properly and love her like he loves her. That is all he wishes for because she has loved him as he has loved her and that is worth everything, especially his life.

_Dearest Amy,_

_I wish I could explain but I can't.  
>I told you that life was difficult for me<br>but I understate it a little. I'm gone &  
>I'm sorry but remember that I love you,<br>more than my own life._

_Regulus  
>X<em>


End file.
